You Think I’d Know Better

I like to think of myself as a bit of a shopping pro. I’ve been around a sale rack a time or two, know what I’m sayin’? So, I felt SUPER CONFIDENT about this dress from Henne’s.

Janaan and I did a quick pop-in one evening after Christmas and found this lovely for $15.

$15!! Whhhhaaatttt??

Janaan was actually there for the 2nd time that day. She was exchanging some SUPER FABULOUS $15 faux leather skinny pants for a smaller size. We remarked that while we love (with a big fat capital L) Henne’s, you have to have to have to try on everything there. OH THE FORESHADOWING!!

Like I said, you think I’d know better.

So, we spot this dress randomly discarded amongst a bunch of sad sequined numbers that didn’t make the cut for Christmas parties, but had high hopes for New Years.

“OOH!” I said. “That’s CUUUUTE. VERY Pucci/Jackie Kennedy. Love.”

“OOH!” Janaan said. “How did I miss that earlier today?”

We quickly snatched it up. As we rounded the corner, what to our wondering eyes should appear? An entire rack of these lovelies.

Clue #1.

See, when something seemingly cute is marked way way down and there are still a rack of a hundred around, there’s probably something wrong with it. But a $15 price tag and the fact that I have not one, but TWO different pairs of psychedelic purple fishnet tights that I’ve never worn pushes me forward.

I hold up the dress. “Is this too see-through?” I say.

“Nah, there’s a lining.” Janaan says.

Clue #2.

I hold it up to my shoulders-ish. “Is it too short?” I say.

“No, you could wear it with tights and ballet flats.” Janaan says.

Clue #3. 

“I’ve had these awesome purple fishnets that I’ve never worn.” I say.

“OOH! Those would look great.” Janaan says.

“And some HUGE gold earrings to play off this gold zipper????” I say, voice getting a little squeak of excitment.

“YES!” Janaan says.

“Done.” I say.

Even though I know the rule is to try it on, it’s late and I’m hungry and I’ve still got to go to the chicken coop and it totally looks like the right size. Yep. Done. Sold.

I start thinking about my dress. It’s going to be the PERFECT thing to wear on the first day of work after the holidays. It’s sort of like the first day of school, you know? We all haven’t seen each other in a couple of weeks. I can show up in something feminine and fun and bright and cheerful and all “HAPPY NEW YEAR!!” and it will only cost $15!! BAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh yes, it’s going to be OH, SO PERFECT.

Fast forward to yesterday. Because I’m a New Year’s cliche, I get up when Alek leaves for work, which is SUPER early for me. But I want to be looking all sassy-pants in my new dress and I want to be at work SO ON TIME for once.

I spend lots of time putting on makeup and getting my hair all pulled back into a good ponytail and blah blah blah and then it’s time to get dressed. I haven’t really left myself much time for this because I know EXACTLY what I’m wearing.

And this is pretty much how it went down.

1. The dress totally fits. Whew! Thank God, because, I’m kind of in a hurry now.
2. The dress is see-through. It would be sexy with a dark bra and panties for a night out in say, Vegas, or over a bikini, say, for cocktails on the beach. Alas, I’m not going to either of those places. No problem. I can pull on a camisole and slip.
3. It’s KIND OF SHORT. Borderline too short for the office. But, maybe it will be passable with my super sweet tights on.
4. Oh hell no. It’s way too short, ESPECIALLY with fishnets. Maybe if my office was at a nightclub. In Ibiza.
5. Which is kind of totally beside the point, because the fishnets TOTALLY don’t match. I mean, not even close! Come to think of it, I bought those on sale too. DAMMIT!
6. OK new plan, leggings and ballet flats.
7. Oh God, I look like I’m pregnant. Which I’m totally not.
8. New plan, skinny jeans and ballet flats.
9. I look SLIGHTLY less pregnant, but only slightly.
10. New plan, skinny jeans and 4 1/2″ heels. No pregnant woman would be wearing heels like these. Yyyyyeeeaaaahhh. Heels. That’s the ticket.

It’s now been 25 minutes and I’m running late and so this is what I decide to go with. I’m feeling OK and a trip to Starbucks makes me feel even better.

I walk into the ladies room mid-morning.

In the cold, harsh, objective light of the office, I most definitely look like I’m pregnant. WAY pregnant. I mean, awesome pregnant in 4 1/2″ heels, but, most definitely pregnant.

Oh yes, I know EXACTLY why there were a hundred of these marked down to $15.

So, this has been put away with my “future pregnancy/future sexy bathing-suit cover-up/future Vegas night out pile.”

I still have no idea what I’m going to do with those fishnets.


4 responses to You Think I’d Know Better

  1. @Tracy BRILLIANT!! Yes! Maybe a skinny gold belt…to play off the zipper in the back! 🙂 I think dress just came back from the dead! HUGS!!!

  2. Ha ha ha. I came home and read this while downing a pint of Haagen Daz. That was hilarious. Thanks Natalie. Oh and I definitely act out this scenario with the changing of shoes, tights, leggings, jeans, boots, heels, etc. every single morning.

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