Something happened tonight that I’m still trying to wrap my head around. It was too epic to fit into a tweet, so, here we are.
My friend Ashley called me tonight to see if I wanted to meet up with her and some of her friends to grab a drink. They were at a bar called the Twilight Lounge. I’ve never been to this bar. Apparently because I am far, far too old for this bar. See, 92% of the people were wearing black-rimmed-nerd-glasses, skinny jeans, baggy beanies, plaid shirts unbuttoned WWWWAAAAYYY too far, and vintage oxford shoes. 50% of the 92% were smoking and a large majority of those people had body odor. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally cool with the smoking. The body odor? Not so much.
Sidebar: Is it really hip to not wear deodorant? Am I out of touch with the times?
ANYWAYS, I buy a couple of beers and as I stand at the bar I look around and find myself thinking “I am way, WAY not hip enough to be in this bar.” It’s crowded, and making my way back to our table I am blocked by a guy. And this is how it all goes down:
Me: “Excuse me.”
Hipster 1: “Oh, sorry.” Steps aside and looks at me, puzzled. “Hey, you’re like, a MILF.”
My jaw slowly starts to drop open as I formulate a response.
Hipster 2: “Nnnnnoooo.”
Inside I’m thinking: “Oh thank God.”
Hipster 2: “You’re, like, a COUGAR.”
I mean, let’s face it, there is no response to that so I just move on. Ashley says “Well, at least that means you’re pretty, right?” But, if you get called a Cougar MILF by a smelly hipster that finds it acceptable to lift up his shirt and scratch his tattooed belly in the middle of a bar, could that possibly count as a compliment?