The Cruise Feeling

I am sick today. SICK. Like I’m currently sitting on the couch watching Far and Away, surrounded on all sides by wadded up Kleenex, empty tea/orange juice/chocolate milk cups, half eaten bowls of Lipton chicken noodle soup, and Ny/DayQuil wrappers SICK. Oh, and there’s the resident pile of laundry that I haven’t folded as well. Right now I’m not folding it because I’m sick, you see.

If I’m totally honest, I was starting to get sick on Tuesday. But I told myself “I don’t have time to get sick.” So there.  Then on Wednesday I had a 4 AM wake-up call for a 6:25 AM flight to L.A. followed by meetings all day in a FREEZING hotel ballroom (FREEZING!!!!) followed by a 9:00 PM flight home with a midnight arrival. Then on Thursday I slept through four conference calls and I had to admit it, I was SICK. I think I am just run down because no one else is sick. At least that’s what I’m telling myself so I don’t feel bad about all those people on the two planes and all the lovely people in my meetings and all the lovely people of Los Angeles.

Ugh. I don’t have time to be sick right now.

In any case, the sickness has given me the opportunity to finish Bossypants. Bossypants is funny. Damn funny. Goddamn funny. Just the dust jacket was hilarious.

And the cherry on top of all of that hilarity? I’ve finally, FINALLY found someone in the universe that feels the same way that I do about cruises. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I HATE CRUISES.

Indulge me in a little rewind. My X and I went on a cruise for our honeymoon. And we both hated it. HATED IT. If I haven’t made myself clear, I  !@#$%-ing hated this cruise. Oh my god you have no idea. And he hated it just as much. See, you’re met at the airport by someone with a clipboard, then you wait for an hour for all of the other yahoo’s that are arriving. Then you’re all herded like cattle onto a bus. Then after an endless ride to the ship, you are herded onboard. Then you’re herded to your “cabin,” which is basically like a glorified RV. A small, small RV. We did have a “balcony.”  (Yes, I used air quotes on purpose.)

Since we were on our honeymoon, they went ahead and pushed our two beds together. Awww.

Then you are herded of your cabin for a “safety briefing.” Then herded outside to the pool. Herded to dinner. Herded all around that goddamn boat with 1,000 other people. Trapped on a floating prison with hundreds and hundreds of drunk and sunburned cattle. For days and days.

The funny thing was that the moment I saw chicky with the clipboard in the baggage claim, I knew I didn’t want to go on that cruise. And so did My X. But neither of us said anything. Later on when we both admitted that we hated the cruise and we didn’t really want to go from the first moment. We laughed-ish about it. Ish. And thus “The Cruise Feeling” was born.

The Cruise Feeling is basically that vibe you get when you know you don’t really want to do something. Like you walk into a restaurant you’ve never eaten at before and there are crickets chirping and you get this vibe and you think “Ulgh, this is NOT gonna be good.” That’s The Cruise Feeling. So rather than make up some big story, you simply say, “I have The Cruise Feeling.” And you bolt. No apologies. You’ll find most of the time that when you have The Cruise Feeling, everybody else does too. All of us use this phrase now. It’s quite catchy.

Also, I told Alek early on that I never ever want to go on another cruise and if that was a show stopper, well, it was a show stopper. That’s how much I hated cruising. Luckily, it wasn’t a show stopper. (Hey, if he wants to go on a cruise, he can go cruise his brains out. I just won’t be going along.)

Which brings me back to Bossypants. Tina Fey and her husband went on a cruise for their honeymoon too, because he does not like to fly. They did not love the cruise. Also, their boat caught on fire. (Sidebar: I think that a lot of people are disappointed in their cruise experience, but for some reason we all keep perpetuating this awesome cruise myth. Like the the myth that the movie Armageddon was good or that bebop jazz makes sense.) 

Like everything else she talks about in the book, Tina Fey hits the nail on the head:

“But I shall not cruise again. Luxury cruises were designed to make something unbearable – a two-week transatlantic crossing – seem bearable. There’s no need to do it now. There are planes. You wouldn’t take a vacation where you ride on a stagecoach for two months but there’s all-you-can-eat shrimp. You wouldn’t take a vacation where you have an old-timey appendectomy without anesthesia while steel drums play. You might take a vacation where you ride on a camel for two days if they gave you those animal towels wearing your sunglasses.”

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